A Stepkid's Loyalty
Have you and your kids been through the "Mom" debacle yet? Let me clarify, have your stepkids called you Mom? My biggest little, our sweet girl, decided to call me Mom months ago. Read about it in the below blog post.
Flash forward to now: she doesn't call me Mom.
Our girl has therapy on Tuesdays and Tuesday is also exchange day. So that's when we meet bio-mom and hand off the kids. This last Tuesday, I walked my daughter in and we were early. So we sat there together and she snuggled up to me beforehand. She didn't want to go back. She told me she wanted to stay with me forever.
After therapy, when all of us were there. My daughter ignored me and when I went to give her a hug goodbye, she pulled away from me and scowled. She has been doing this every single time. But only when her mom is there.
So why would she do this?
I know the answer but it still stings.
Bio-mom didn't like that she called me "Mom", even though it happened maybe 5 times. She made a big deal about it. She had lots of conversations with the kids about it. She put our daughter in the middle of a problem and confrontation that she shouldn't have been involved in.
And the result of that is that she doesn't show me love in front of her mom. She feels put in the middle, her loyalty to her mother threatened by her love for me.
And it breaks my heart.
I call back to the same situation in my own childhood. I wanted to call my step-mom "Mom" and my mother told me that I couldn't. I felt stuck. I felt awkward. Why couldn't I love my step mom and call her mom? She was a mom to me when I was in her house?
And I know that's how my daughter feels.
So, my fellow step-moms, remember that your kids might be struggling. They might be hurting and like in my situation, bio-mom might be the only one who can fix it. The best thing would be for bio-mom to assure my daughter that she can love both of us. My husband and I can try to do that but it might not have the same effect as if it came from her mom.
Remember your kids hearts don’t fully understand the adult situation they're in the middle of, something they had no choice in.
Love them regardless.
Be you regardless.