The Pre-Transition Transition

Our schedule has changed around a lot in the last few months. Not just that the kids are with us 5 days a week but every week, things have been a little different. Bio-mom gave up some days and canceled on days last minute in other cases.

And without going into more detail than necessary, things at bio-mom’s house have been a little turbulent.

I started to see some changes in my bonus daughter the day that she’d be switching houses. So it was basically a pre-transition transition day. Which meant that I’d get to deal with two transition days.

Two days of recalibration.


Now, when things like this happen, I try to think back to my childhood and how I felt in these same moments. I try to remember how I felt a little abandoned by my mother, how I wanted her love and attention. I see those same things in my daughter. Read my post on what happened on the first day of school - I go into this a little more.

Bio-mom cancelled last minute on one of her days and our girl was upset. There were tears and lots of repeating that song from Daniel Tiger that “grown ups do come back”. We did our best to comfort her, to let her know that it was normal and okay to miss her mom. It was okay to be sad.

But here’s what I noticed: her behavior changed once she knew she wasn’t going to see her mom. She wasn’t as disobedient. She was more herself, less anxious.

I take these moments and these observations and try to make sure that I don’t make her feel that way. My goal is to be stable and not let my anxieties and pregnancy emotions get in her way. She deserves to be a kid, to feel loved and to not worry about adult things.

It’s hard as a stepmom to see your bonus child struggling in these ways and knowing that there isn’t a lot you can do about it. We only have control over our house, ourselves, our marriage and our interactions with the kids.

So even though I want to tell bio-mom what affect she’s having on her children, I keep my mouth shut. I will support her kids instead. I will love them and be there for them in any way that I can.