Three

October 18th.

You would have just turned three. 

At the beginning of this week, I thought about what that date meant, the pure weight that that date will always hold for me. I told myself that I was going to write a post and help myself process you - help myself work through the emotion that without fail always builds up inside me.

But October 18th came and it went.

I didn't even think about you on that day.

Not until I was driving home last night and you popped into my mind because I was thinking about your Dad. I felt so bad. I felt like I was forgetting you. Even though, there isn't really anything to forget.

So I'm writing to you on the 21st in this cute little coffee shop that I found called The Rose Establishment. I really only came here because of the name - because I knew that I needed to get out of my house today.

I don't talk about you much because nine times out of ten, it makes people really uncomfortable. They see the tattoo on my wrist and ask what it means. I'll tell them and they look away, they stammer - they don't know what to say. Sometimes, I'll tell them it's personal just so I don't have to see that look in their eyes. But I think about you often - especially now that I'm on my own.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have made the choices that I did this year. You shocked me into a state of knowing. Not really at first. For a long time, I was stuck in a state of sadness - darkness. But once I got out of it, I realized that there's still so much I need to do. So much that I need to experience and figure out for myself. I knew that if I stayed in the situation I was in, the relationship I was in, I wouldn't ever be happy - not really.

You're existence helped me to realize that there's more to me to figure out before I take that step, before I can take care of someone else. I need to take care of me first. I need to learn how to be alone first. How to just be me first. 

It doesn't make this week any easier but it helps me because I know that I'm on the right path, I'm doing the right thing. Even when it feels like I'm doing nothing at all.

My heart is happy knowing that you're happy, safe and looking out for me.